How Do I Get Her To Want Sex?

feature 1, libido, no sex, sex drive, wife - By Better Sex on Tuesday, September 7, 2010 - 16:29

Question: I am a 29 married to a 26 year old woman. There has been some difficulty trying to figure out what satisfies my wife, she is very uncomfortable talking about sex, has admitted to having no sex drive.

I do not consider myself crazy to want sex more than 2-3 times a month. I don't have to have it everyday, but a couple times a week would be great.

A change of positions would be great, there is only one place my wife will have sex, the bedroom, in bed, either missionary or on top. How do I get her more excited about sex? I have asked questions and I am concerned because it creates conflict when I ask if there is anything I can do to make the encounter more satisfying for her.

Thank you for the reply!

Dr. Lori's Answer: About desire…difference in sexual desire is a common concern for many couples. And difference exists for most couples in many other aspects of life as well…taste in food, hobbies, movies, music, sleep patterns, etc. However, when it comes to sexual desire, it's hard not to take it personally.

Realize that there are many things that can get in the way of sexual desire, such as stress, anger, and exhaustion, just to name a few. Also, it's important to know that many women (and even some men) don't experience sexual desire until they first become sexually aroused. And no, you're not crazy for wanting to have sex with your wife more than 2-3- times a month, or 2-3 times a week.

I appreciate your effort in trying to learn how to satisfy your wife, but it's likely that your wife herself may not know what she desires or likes sexually. It's difficult (if not impossible) to know how to sexually satisfy or excite a partner who doesn't know, or is not able or willing to communicate what they like and want. Here are some suggestions that may give your sex life and your wife's sex drive a little "push".

First, I recommend you focus on pleasing your wife in other ways than sexual. Romance her as you did when you began dating her (a love note, night out, small gift) and/or help her relax by helping around the house. These loving gestures will make you an even more lovable partner, can put your partner "in the mood" and may even inspire your wife to want to do more things to please you.

Then, I suggest you try to have intimate pleasurable experiences that do not include intercourse or orgasms. Massage and touch each other without the goal of sex. Just focus on loving and touching each other to create intimacy and relaxation. And don't forget passionate kisses.

About communication…I also suggest that you use "tools" to inspire sexual discussions. Erotic and instructional sex books and/or films that you read or watch together can be wonderful tools to promote open talks about sexual likes, dislikes, and sexual fantasies. When it's time to ask your wife what she likes, try asking her yes or no questions, or either or questions. For example, "do you like it when I kiss you this way? Or, "do you like it better when I touch you this way or that way" or here or there?

Try the above and be patient. It often only takes small changes to get your sex life back on track. If your efforts don't seem to be working, I recommend you and your wife go see an AASECT certified sex therapist.

Photo by: mollystevens

Dr. Lori Buckley is a licensed clinical psychologist and an American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) certified sex therapist. We know that there are a lot of people who have questions about all kinds of sexual things, so we teamed up with Dr. Lori to answer your questions.