Five Keys to Effective Fighting

Published by Rebecca Sinclair on August 23rd, 2010

couple, dynamic, effective fighting, fight, human behavior, human interest, human sexual behavior, marriage, relationships, sex, sexual weaponry, warning signs - By Rebecca Sinclair on Monday, August 23, 2010 - 10:19

In our continued exploration of sexual weaponry, we make a pit stop in couple’s hell: personal fights. Did you know that there is a right way and a wrong way to fight? In fact, productive fighting can actually be a very healthy part of a relationship. You just have to know how to do it.

A productive fight has five main characteristics. 

  1. Neither partner feels beaten. If one or both partners walk away from the fight feeling unloved and unwanted, the disagreement was probably destructive. If you can’t hug, kiss, and maybe even enjoy a little make-up sex… rethink your fighting tactics. 
  2. The past was brought up... again. If the argument brought up wounds that have been discussed thousands of times before, the fight has become too personal to be positive. As mentioned in the sexual indiscretion discussion, choose to stay or choose to go, but leave the past in the past.
  3. There is an equal finish. If one person feels like they need to quit to maintain the peace, fights have gone too far. If the same person always backs down, there is bound to be some built-up resentment. Talk it out and don’t call it quits until both parties are satisfied.
  4. It is planned (when possible). Don’t attack your partner about not feeding the cat as soon as they walk in the door. If you have a problem with something that can be discussed later, talk about when would be a good time to discuss it. If you feel like it is going to lead to an argument, plan the conversation for when kids are in bed or not around.
  5. It is about the “what” and not the “who.” When your fights are focused more on WHO did the wrong than WHAT the wrong was, you are getting too personal. For example, if the fight is over someone not taking out the trash, the problem is not WHO did not do it, the problem is that the trash is still stinking up the house.

When a couple can move their fights beyond name calling and focus on the actual problem, arguments become a lot more productive. Do you and your partner fight “well?” What have you learned about having arguments stay productive rather than personal? Comment below.

Photo by: James Lee

Mr. Boombastic's picture
Pent-up anger is the devil
Submitted by Mr. Boombastic on Mon, 2010-10-04 10:47.

I think this could be another version of bullet #2, but letting situations happen again and again without mentioning that it bothers you can lead to unjust eruptions. If it happens once - let it slide, it could be a mistake. If it happens twice, mention both instances - "Honey, the last couple of times you havent' taken off your muddy shoes before walking throught he house, could you please remember?" Happens a 3rd time, have a discussion. But letting something simple like this happen many times without letting your partner know, and then exploding about it and listing all these times as evidence is completely blindsiding.