The Iconic Pizza Boy
I’ve seen a lot of porn. Most of it is really, really bad porn. I understand that not all good porn has to have a storyline. What I mean by bad is, the actors are unattractive and unenthusiastic, the storyline really dull, the sets are thrown together halfheartedly, the camera is shaky and dark, and the dialogue is impossible to hear. I know each and every one of you is going to like a different genre of porn. All I’m saying is that it would be nice if more time and care is spent on some of these features, instead of just rushing through to release another porn flick.
I keep asking myself—why can’t people just make good porn? I’m not asking for the actors to be perfect specimens; just try to wash your face every once in a while. And if you know you’re going to be performing in a film, please retouch your roots. And it’s also a good idea to get your junk professionally waxed. I find pimples all over your butt and pubic area a turn off. And a little care and time spent on production and editing would really be a plus. I have many suggestions to improve adult movies; maybe someone out there wants to hear the rants of an opinionated female porn watcher. So I decided to compile a list of things that porn gets wrong. Read on:
- The performers look like they belong in a police lineup. Please at least try and take care of your appearance before you arrive at the set. No one wants to watch a bunch of drunken stoners have sex. And please take care of pimples and greasy hair—it distracts from the sex. Also, in this era of extreme close-up of genitalia, PLEASE invest in some Bikini Zone. Vagina pimples are the absolute antithesis of a boner.
- A lot of fake sex sounds. No one’s fooled by your incessant gorilla-like moaning, honey. Just be yourself.
- Spitting. The constant loogie flinging in adult films makes me nauseous. I understand that lubricant is important during sex, so why don’t you quit being such a cheapskate and buy some darn lube.
- You hear and/or see the director in the background of a scene. Really? The editing department didn’t care enough about their porno to edit out the director’s arm in the frame and him saying “ok, now stick your butt in the air, toward the camera”? Awesome.
- Crappy audio. If you’re going to bother to write a script, have performers memorize it, and have them act it out, MAKE SURE YOUR MICROPHONES ARE IN WORKING ORDER. Nothing pisses me off more than sitting down to an adult movie purporting to have a story, only to put it on mute because I can’t hear any of the dialogue anyway. You’ve just wasted my time and your time. FAIL.
- Shaky camera footage, blurry scenes, plain bad production values. A lot of us porn watchers have 50-inch flat screen HDTVs now, so please try to upgrade your camera and/or cameraman. It hurts my eyes to try and watch blurry people have blurry sex. And what’s even worse is if the scene is so dark and blurry that I can’t tell who’s doing whom, what’s going on, or if they’re even having sex. Yawn.
- Jokingly awful background music. Sex is sex. It does not need to be accompanied by music to be good. In fact, crappy, loud synth elevator Muzak from the 1980s does NOT make the sex scene better. I hate it when I see a scene when I think people are enjoying themselves and moaning naturally only to be distracted by the theme song from Miami Vice. In fact, it makes me want to throw a shoe at the TV and bury my head in kitty litter. Just do yourself (and your viewers) a favor and don’t bother.
- Terrible editing. Nothing says “I don’t give a crap about my porn movie” more than sloppy editing. I do not find it amusing that right in the middle of an attractive couple having sex the scene cuts to 1)fellatio, 2)money shot, or 3)nothing. It ends right there. Are you kidding me? You can’t be bothered to edit your sex scenes better? I WANT to see them having sex that’s why I bought/rented this movie. So please at least ACT like you give a crap and wait 30 seconds to cut the scene.
- The sets look like they were assembled by a 5-year-old. It makes me sad when an reasonable sex scene or porn movie is ruined by a used plaid couch, fake plants, random painting of horses on the wall, and a brown blanked that looks like it’s been chewed up by a dog. Not sexy. And what’s even less sexy is that often, all of the sex takes place on the same set. How creative.
- Porn logic. I understand that when you’re watching an adult movie, there’s a time limit to sex. You can’t be watching 2 hours of foreplay; you would probably get bored and it would take you a while to get aroused. However, I’m tired of seeing constant porn logic in adult films. In real life (I will say usually–I know there are some freaky people out there!) a woman doesn’t just get accosted by a man’s erect penis in her face within 32 seconds of agreeing to sex. There’s got to be at least some kissing, caressing, masturbation or SOMETHING to get the man erect and the woman aroused. And as a female porn watcher, I would appreciate as much emphasis placed on cunnilingus as there is on fellatio and also more emphasis on the female’s climax not just the male’s. In real life if a guy expected blow jobs all the time and wasn’t willing to reciprocate, it would be over pretty quickly. And another staple of porn logic is the overused cliché or some variation of the pizza delivery guy or stranded motorist. if you’re not going to even try to make a creative story, don’t even bother with one.
What do you think of my list of 10 Things Porn Gets Wrong? Do you agree or disagree?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
The very BEST porn I’ve seen, which basically means I find it erotic and I feel comfortable, not silly, watching it, has actors that look real. They aren’t overly made up or wearing shoes that no one would ever wear. They look happy about having sex; like they’re enjoying themselves. They look like they are compatible. There’s just something warm about that for me. They don’t look like they’ve had their makeup and hair done with every scene cut. And when the steamy session is over, they LOOK like they’ve had sex; a little exhausted and relaxed. Let me know if you find any like this!
Hey there Nout.
Disagreed on a few points and thought I would put up a post of my own in response.
Feel free to read and comment.
Have a good one.
c.smutjawns
While I agree with some of the points you’ve made I think that linking “really bad porn” to another competitor site was in bad taste. Their selection has some of the same as your “good porn” selection. Perhaps you should have linked to a porn you thought was bad on the BetterSex network.
c.smutjawns – nice response, and I suppose “porn music” will always be “porn music”
Juliettia – if you can’t pick on your competitors, who can you pick on
Hopefully it’s obvious that it’s a joke since we all carry the same stuff.
Juliette: I couldn’t really make out who you were directing your response to? Wasn’t trying to be defensive, or offensive, just respond appropriately if necessary.
Better Sex: Thanks for not getting defensive and realizing this was conversation and dialogue and not an attack or trying to start a flame war.
I loved reading your rebuttal, Chris. Of course, you realized that this kind of post can’t be 100% objective, but we do our best. I hope to write “10 things porn gets right” soon.
Nout,
Of course! I was hoping it would be taken as good-natured banter and ribbing and not that I took any type of serious offense or objection… Thank you for not being super sensitive.
You have absolutely nailed it!
Most porn is a disgrace to hot sex. I watched some vintage porn the other day and despite it’s awful music, fumbling and pop up wordage, it wiped the floor with some of the modern porn I’ve seen.
It was funny, it was sex and most of all IT LOOKED REAL! What I would do for some decent porn (well, apart from make my own that is)
Fantastic post that nails the problems with porn. Sex is real, porn should reflect it, not be inflated in tacky, often nauseated and completely unrealistic ways and overwhelmed by loud music that drowns out any dialog. Although personally, I would rather hear some good dialog rather than the constant grunt, grunt, moan, moan and scream of the actors as they portray what they think we want to hear. We don’t want to hear THAT. We want to hear what is real. To the editors of movies….lower the music volume…music should be a background enhancer, not the primary attraction.
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