Lately I’ve come across a fair number of articles responding to recent research about women who fake orgasms. A colleague at the Sinclair Institute® sent me one such article, a raw and honest post by an anonymous woman who unapologetically admits to faking orgasms many times, for many reasons.
I’ve certainly faked orgasms, too. In fact, I used to do so quite often, for many of the same reasons that the author of that article gives: to get sex to end when I didn’t like it, to stroke the guy’s ego, because I felt too vulnerable…and the list could go on.
But somewhere along the way I decided that:
- If sex isn’t fun, I’m not going to have it, and feeling the need to fake something is not fun.
- If I don’t trust someone enough to be honest, I probably don’t really want to have sex with them anyway.
- Having fun and having orgasms don’t necessarily have much to do with each other.
Orgasm just isn’t the point of sex for me. For me (and thankfully my husband), the point of sex is for us to get naked, have fun and feel good together, enjoying each other’s bodies. Having an orgasm doesn’t guarantee either of us will have fun or feel good, and not having had an orgasm doesn’t mean that we won’t have fun or feel good. In fact, for both of us, orgasms are irrelevant, or, at best, a bonus.
Apparently we’re not the only ones who feel this way…
“I nearly always find the intimacy and physical contact enjoyable, satisfying, and worthwhile, with or without orgasm. It took me years to reach that mindset, however, as way too much emphasis is placed on orgasm…In the past, I would sometimes push so hard trying to reach that goal that I’d drive myself to the point of tears of frustration – never a good thing in the middle of sex.” (“Sex Survey Results from an Unusual Sex Survey,” Paul Joannides, Psy.D. quoting from an anonymous survey respondent, for Psychology Today)
“The truth is, I don’t really care whether or not I have an orgasm most of the time—it’s irrelevant to me… When I do have real orgasms, it’s wonderful and amazing. When I don’t, it still can be wonderful and amazing…Sex for women is not about achieving the goal of orgasm, it’s about—to be cliche for a moment—the journey. Whenever I get in the sack with another person, I want to go on an erotic journey. If another person can fulfill that need, it is way more important than him being able to give me an orgasm every time. If he gets me and what I’m into, if we can explore new things together, if we can connect on an intimate level, then consider me a satisfied gal.” (“Why Women Really Fake Orgasms,” by Anonymous, for The Frisky )
I disagree with her about one of her points, though. She says, “Sex for women is not about achieving the goal of orgasm.” For some people—both male and female—sex really is about orgasm. I even see some sex educators, therapists, and bloggers encourage this viewpoint, writing about orgasms as if they are not just fun, but compulsory. One educator recently described orgasm as reaching the “finish line,” something to work toward, as if you were running a race.
But I do know plenty of women and men who share my perspective that orgasms are only a small part of sex.
“Orgasm is not always the goal! I guess it’s human nature for all of us to get so caught up in the ‘what should happen’ that we forget to ‘experience!’” (email from a co-worker, referring to the above article)
I think it’s great we’ve all learned that we can orgasm, but that doesn’t mean we have to, or that having had an orgasm means we are more functional or healthy than not having had one. Not having an orgasm doesn’t mean we’ve failed or that our partner has failed. And trying to force an orgasm makes about as much sense as trying to force a sneeze, or win a race…and neither of those seem like much fun to me. I’d much rather have sex.
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